In Person
Tuesday, August 31, 2004
I feel very remiss about not doing my web log earlier. It's been hard to find an internet cafe, and I have been a bit travel dazed and bewildered. I remember writing this log from Brazil and it felt as if I was making it up but I really am in Mauritius, and the sea is very close with its glittery waves palm trees and glass bottomed boats. I am running writing workshops every morning for a group of sweet intelligent Mauritians, who all speak at least four languages and who do every mad thing I ask them to.
Yesterday I asked them to write, alphabetically, twenty six descriptions of sky. That's hard here, when the sky is usually blue.
Last week we were all over the place, at a writers conference then at the university, and meeting and greeting and sight seeing. My poor body didn't really know what was happening, although it survived the flight rather well, it began to flag and eventually crumpled into a heap on the fifth day. This state I am in requires all kinds of attentions in order for it to remain balanced. I bargain with my body, trying to give it so much rest in exchange for something I want to do. Sometimes I get really tired of this constant fielding of symptoms.
But I wouldn't have missed coming here for anything. It's so much more than a tourist resort with its mixture of cultures and peoples. My partner and I walked along the bach to the grand hotels with vast colonial lawns and everything on a tray...you could spend a holiday there and never see anything else. We've been taken to a Hindu wedding and watched older women dancing and drumming, and we've met all kinds of people and talked to them about writing (I am here with the poet Sean o Brien and his partner Gerry). I like the vanilla flavoured tea, and the tasty snacks. In the evenings this week I have been watching Bollywood films, chortling at the hilarious sub titles. Somehow the Olympics has seemed more poignant from a Mauritian point of view. I so wanted the Mauritian runner to win!So I am fine. Infact my bones are warming up and feeling stronger. Thankyou everyone who responded to the Guardian article...I have had some very interesting post...will write this again very soon!
Posted by julia @ 01:57 PM GMT
Monday, August 9, 2004
I have taken to listening to farming news at 5.00 am. You find out about things like plagues and lettuce. There are too many wasps in the world ! I fell back to sleep and woke up feeling awful, as if I had been stung by a thousand wasps, and as if I would never make it through a day of stairs and intentions. But as the day progressed I realised that everyone had a terrible night last night. It was a horrible, muggy, nightmarish night, and I am not the only person who feels ill in the mornings sometimes. I am much, much better now...quite sparky in fact. This could be thanks to acupuncture, which can make me feel much more fluid and happy. It can make me more creative too.
I was talking to my acupuncturist about how some doctors can make you feel hopeful and others make you feel hopeless, even if they are giving you much the same information. Often I can carry around a random phrase that a doctor has said to me, repeating it to myself and exploring it. This can be quite negative, and of course if the mind effects the body, it can do so in a negative way too. I am very fond of my doctors, but recently someone said I was tired because I was 'carrying alot of tumour'. This phrase haunts me. I see myself bent double under the weight of some terrible malevolent sack.
I want my doctors to congratulate me, to tell me the best things that can happen, not just the worst! Actually, I am doing very well! But then I was thinking about how much authority we give doctors, who are tired and trying their best to do the right thing, yet we, the patients, are so wired up to everything they say we get oversensitive. We also remember the things teachers and headmistresses, or anyone in authority said to us, but maybe we should take responsibility for ourselves a bit more, and not believe what 'experts' tell us.
Thanks everyone who responded to the Guardian piece. I got sent lots of great poems, many of which were written by people who had been bereaved, or suffered some illness. Poetry really can sustain and save us!
I can't believe the rain outside. It's almost biblical! I am gathering a whole list of novels to take to the Isle of Wight and Mauritius....Diary of An Ordinary Woman by Margaret Forster. The Secret Life of Bees, by Sue Monk Kidd. More of the Cave Clan series by Jean Aoul. I am so enjoying reading at the moment...it is by far the most relaxing, imaginative, illuminating part of my life.
Posted by julia @ 02:01 PM GMT
Wednesday, August 4, 2004
Just had another appointment with Dr Verril. A busy waiting room, filled with people with odd names, like Stepenganger and other ones I can't remember. I told the doctor about the sensation of numbness in my jaw and he thinks it's worth zapping the back of my neck with radiotherapy incase it gets worse. I am so anti treatment these days. I don't like being reminded of illness. I am delighted that I don't have to have chemotherapy yet. Anyway, we had a nice chat, but when I left I had a surge of anger towards the illness. I really hate the way it needles away at my immune system, even though I know I am strong, and my body resists everything the illness throws at it. Bloody breast cancer, bloody appointments and injections and night sweats and all of it.....why can't I just be a menopausal woman, though I suppose that has its drawbacks.
Still, I am really looking forward to Mauritius, and I also think I'll plan a trip to Budapest in Autumn. The manifesto is fun, and the new poems keep on surfacing. And I have a new green carpet in my writing room, and we are having an armchair covered with artificial fur. Life is sweet, even if it does go downhill.Posted by julia @ 12:26 PM GMT
Monday, August 2, 2004
I think, because I was raised in a school environment as my father taught at a public school, I find it very odd staying in the same place in August. We always went to the Isle of Wight in the Summer, leaving any thoughts of organised work behind. Now, I am working in the university during August, and it's very strange. Rooms are being painted, carpets being laid, and yet everything is rather sleepy. I feel as if I shouldn't be here, but there is something quite relaxing about it too.
At home I'm reading 'The Clan of The Cave Bear'..the first book of a deliciously long series of stories about cave people. I have just bought a hammock! I am really looking forward to travelling to Mauritius. I remember saying that I thought my travelling days were over,,,well, they're not. I love Newcastle, but it's at its best in the Spring, or the Autumn. I am even looking forward to the airports and tickets.
But I must work very, very hard for the next two weeks. I have so many Autumn deadlines..and things I want to get finished. I have been writing new poems for the next collection, which I hope will be published this year.This morning, for the first time in my life, I phoned the council to complain about the rubbish in the streets. They were very polite. There are quite a few things I feel like complaining about. It must be something to do with aging. I went with my family to see Farenheight 9/11 at the cinema, and even though I think it's a very manipulative film, I still feel furious with the white male world that has led us to drop bombs on innocent people. It's been a despicable period in history. I must get on with the manifesto and put all my furies and feelings of injustices into that.
The blood transfusion has left me feeling much better, and more patient and positive. One of the things I hate about energy loss is that it makes you feel as if you don't care, and also very difficult to live with. Suddenly the DIY doesn't seem so irritating, and I generally feel like a nicer person. I have a hospital appointment this week. I assume we will set up another round of scans. Oh yawn!
Posted by julia @ 11:51 AM GMT
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